Oh to be that way again.....

I love the joy!

We are coming to the end of another year. 

 It will be my 39th time to pass into another.

I've seen a great many things happen in thirty nine years.  Some of my memories are filled with unfortuante sadness; but many are filled with sweetness, sunshine, laughter, and joy.  I have been blessed to have experienced so many wonderful things in my life.  This past year has had good and bad as have other years before it.  Something within won't let me dwell too long on the bad...I always will myself to push past those.  Instead I want to focus on the times this past year that made me laugh, made me sigh with happiness and breathe in all the goodness that God has allowed me to experience.   I want to cling to the good, the moments that were the best and favorite of the year.  We shall see what time will bring in 2010... As Judy Garland sings.."Next year on, our troubles will be out of sight".

Christmas Gift

This year we are having a "Charlie Brown" Christmas....

We've become such a society of consumers that it seems empty without piles of presents under the tree. 

My husband took time off of work to join me in Florida after the passing of my Mom and unfortunately the bills did not stop piling up while we were gone.  I am sure we are not the only family that is having a Christmas like this; in fact there are probably many families that have it much harder than us.  Families that are hoping  to have food, warm homes, places to sleep.  Families that are homeless.

Makes you really thankful for what you have.

Makes you ashamed for not being more thankful.

My husband knew I have always wanted a farm house table.

While I was in Michigan he started making one for me.

He took almost two hours picking out just the right boards.

He used the base from our old kitchen table which had an oval top on it and screamed

"I am from the 1980's!  I want to paint the apron and legs black and then find some different chairs to go with the table,  Maybe ladderbacks, or short round topped chairs...of course painted black and distressed.  I have picked out the color of stain, just waiting for him to find the time to get that done.

This is my Christmas present.

Not so "Charlie Brown" after all.

WOW

Last night I was treated to The Nutcracker Ballet.  I have never been to a ballet and I think it is safe to say that I am now addicted.  The music, costumes, set, props, and dancing was amazing.  The sheer strength and talent in the dancers was enough, but of course the whole production put together was just overwhelming.  Some scenes were playful, some mysterious, some romantic, some joyful...I loved it.  Of course we all have our favorites; and mine would be the dance of the snowflakes...the costumes were sparkling and lovely.  The atmosphere of that scene was dreamlike and you really did feel like you were watching a magical moment hidden away in a winter wonderland.  Once you see something so beautiful you are kinda ruined...I most definately will have to go again, and again, and again.

Trusting

Sometimes life just doesn't seem to make any sense.  Things happen that you don't understand and for that matter many things happen that you don't even like.  You are left wondering "Why did this happen"?  If you are not careful then you can start blaming God for these events...you get angry at Him and turn away from His help.  I know someone like this, actually now that I think about it, I know several people like this.  They so need God's comfort and help, but they just don't trust him enough to let him get close to them.  I don't understand many things that have happened in my life, but I do know that Proverbs 3:5 & 6 are real and true and important to live by.  I have had my fair share of trials, and I know that there will be more to come.  We live on earth, not in heaven...yet. I have learned to trust in the Lord, lean on His understanding, and acknowledge him as he directs my paths.  Sometimes the pathway is smooth and easy and lined with fragrant blooms, and other times it winds down into valleys so deep that you can't seem to notice any beauty and you feel so alone.  Yet, I know that He will never leave me or forsake me...and I will cling to that knowlegde as I prepare for the days ahead. 

resume

I've been sending out my revised resume.  It feels kinda good.  For a long while I was nervous about looking for a job.  It seems like in the emotional part of my brain I should be stuck in one place...the past...still greiving over the loss of my Mom.  I think about her all the time right now; memories flood my mind.  Yet I know that life does go on and I with it, being "stuck" is not an option.  The world goes on all around me even though I feel like it should have stopped for us to have time to go through the greiving process.  Time waits for no man..so I decided yesterday to just push on.  I am praying for just the right job, one that I will enjoy, make a decent amount of money at, and some benefits, as well as 5 days a week, holidays off, etc.  I want a cushy job like the one I left back in Houston.

Will be nice to help my husband out with the bills and start saving for our future.  Yeah, I think I'm ready.  Full speed ahead.

Where I'm at.

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-



Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.


During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

I see her teeth as she is laughing....and I miss that.

Saying Goodbye and going on a Road Trip

This afternoon we buried our Mother.  She did not want a big "to-do" and so we met at the cemetary, which was really nice as far as cemetary's go...small green rolling hills and lots of trees.  There was a small tent set up with red velvet covered chairs..and so we gathered together to say goodbye.  One by one Josh, Mel, Jeff, Jen, Adara, Cassie, Laurel, Pat and I took a small shovel full of black dirt and said our goodbyes and kind words  as we buried her ashes.  I felt as if it was the way she wanted it, I believe we honored her wishes. 

My brother and his fiance will be married in Florida next Thursday.  Sometime early Saturday morning I will be heading out with my sister, her husband and thier 3 little girls on a road trip to Orlando.  We will be stopping in Georiga to visit some family and staying there overnight; and then we should arrive to the condo sometime on Sunday.  Cal flies in on Tuesday night and I am counting down the days! "4" to go!

Mom would be happy to know we are planning on having a good time, and that we will all

 be together.  I am looking forward to sharing Disney World with Calvin for his very first time. 

 I know this is gonna be a trip to remember!!!

Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving. 

There are so many things to be thankful for...God has been so very good to me.  I was thinking about how blessed I am and how happy I am that God has given me such a wonderful husband.  He has been such a good friend and such a great support to me during this difficult time, and I am so THANKFUL for him.

Oh My Goodness....

Even though there has been such sadness due to losing our Mother, Friend, & Grandmother, we are still finding the goodness and joy of being with the eachother.  Mom would not have wanted our lives to end because hers did, she would want us to laugh and enjoy one another, and so we are.

Mel, Cassie, & Adara all snuggled up!

Playing in Grandma's yard...

Uncle Bear & Adara up on the roof!

Playing the kids version of Apples to Apples, love Cassie's face!

Cassie, Laurel, & Adara making Christmas cookies...

Joe

Thank you for coming to be with me during this time Joe.

I love you!!!

Change

Sometimes CHANGE can be good.  Like if you get a new car, or replace the ugly sofa with a awesome comfy down filled one from the Pottery Barn that you've been dreaming about for a while now....

But then sometimes CHANGE can be bad, really bad, like going on in life without your Mother. 

Today I was able to go to my Mom's house for the first time since she passed away.  Aside from a few paint updates and new curtains, it was the same as the last time I was there in 2007.  The front door made the familiar squeeky push in against the tiled kitchen floor as I went in, just like all the other hundreds of time before.  Her copper collection still greeted you as you walked in...the dining room still displayed her snowmen and behind the glass of the hutches still waited the music boxes and nic nacs.  Room by room had that comforting familiarity that I so was longing for...Mom's fingerprint.

As I walked throughout the house and around the yard there was the awful awareness that hit me "MOM IS NOT HERE".  Things may still be where I knew they would be, and I could sit at the dining room table and wait for her to come and sit and have coffee with me, but no matter what I did things would never be the same, something had changed.

I do not like change; but I especially do not like the CHANGE that takes away.

Trusting

I am not sure why things happen the way they do sometimes.  I know that I am a child of God, and that being His child He has my best interests at heart.  My prayer today was that I would make it to Michigan in time to see my Mother before she passed away....

I checked in for my flight, kissed Cal goodbye and went into Customs to fill out my card....when I heard my name being called.  I turned to see Cal and I went over to him....in just this short span of time, my sister had called to tell him my Mom had died.

My heart felt like it broke into a million pieces.  My Mother is gone.  Her wish was to not have a funeral and she wanted to be cremated...which means by the time I get to Michigan there will be nothing for me to touch...

But left is my brother and sister and I will be there for them, and us for eachother.  Most importantly I know God will comfort me like none other can.  For now I will just focus on getting through this day and let Him help me take one step at a time.

Praying

Today I am going home to Michigan to see my Mother.  She has been fighting cancer....but her fight is almost over.  My sister called me late last night to tell me something was wrong and they were taking her to the hospital.  When I called this morning I found out that she is slipping away.  I have been through many hard things in my life, but I have not felt the loss of a parent before, and the pain is so strange...I feel like a child in my heart.  I am almost 40 yrs old, but I feel like a child who doesn't know what to do....and yet, I know that my FATHER is with me and He will help me through these dark hours and days ahead. 

My flight will not get into Detroit until around 10pm, and the drive to Lansing will have me there very late; but my prayer is that God will keep her here on this earth till I can see her, touch her, kiss her and tell her that I love her.  Please, if you are reading my post today, pray that with me.

Psalm 113:3

Update

I finally copied the photos I wanted to use for my Time in a Bottle display.  I wish I had a better camera so that the bottles looked as good here as they do in person...but you get the idea.  I have a few changes I want to make; some original pictures are actually in the bottles, and I think that looks best, so I plan to take the other ones and have copies made at a photography shop and then replace the paper copied ones with them.  I also want to use some of Cal's old pictures but he really doesn't have much to choose from.  He did find two, so I will have to decide which one to use.....and I was hoping to have a nice one of his parents, but the only one he has is small...Oh well...use what you can right?  I think it would be nice for him to see his history around him as well as mine.  I love old black and white photos...they just have something about them.

Here is a closer look at how the pictures look inside the bottles with the candle light in the background.

I love the picture of my Mom..it fits so perfectly in the center of the little bottle.

I just had to include another picture of my pal Max....here he is sleeping away in the living room on a cold November evening.  I got the red & white pillow for $3.99 at Value Village.  It is originally from the Pottery Barn and was definately a deal!  I love junk shopping, you never know what you will find.

Crafty

I came across the neatest little decorating idea the other day.  Using old glass bottles, vintage photos and tea lights.  Made a trip to one of my favorite novelty shops in Okotoks and found six obliging glass bottles.  I gave them a bath in vinegar water for two days and so they are nice and clean, yet have just a remembrance of the past with them.  In the next few days I will put it all together and show the results.  I love creativity!

Bliss

My husband gets up early for work, and I usually just curl up tighter in the warm covers as I bid him farwell....but on this one particular morning I couldn't fall back alseep so I got out of bed and stumbled my way to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee.  To my delight I was treated to a spectacular sunrise.  Makes me wonder how many of these I have missed while snoozing away the dawn.

In other matters of BLISS, here is Max enjoying the Land of Nod.  He really truly is a kindred spirit, even if he is just a cat.

I had a lot of fun decorating the guest room yesterday.  I plan to add some Evergreen boughs to the shelf later in November, but I am pretty happy with the results of my labor!

I love a Country Christmas!

A couple of Teddy Bears greet our guests with a gift....and old fashioned ornaments from my childhood.

Close Up of the Shelf about the bed.

Early start

Does Friday count as the "weekend"? I hope so because I just couldn't wait to dig into my Christmas boxes any longer!!!  It actually began last night with a trip to the basement for 2 boxes, and then 2 more...just to get a little peak at what I have.  Its been almost 2 years since my boxes were in storage and I was so excited to see what was in them!  I think there might be a box missing, or perhaps I sold some items and don't remember doing that, but in any event I am so happy to have my Christmas things ready to use here in Canada!  At first I wasn't sure where to even start, so I just took everything out and then sorted the items in piles based on what they had in common.  Snowmen with snowmen, lights with lights, bow with bows, etc.  Since we won't be getting our tree till right before I leave for Michigan, I wasn't sure which room to start with.  I decided on the guest room.  It has a country/lodge/rustic theme so I sorted the decorations that were similar to that theme and started this afternoon.  I think it looks really cheery and festive, yet cozy.

I have so much left to do, but I am tired out from all the creativity!!!  Think I will sit with a cup of coffee and a couple of Country Living magazines and plot my next  Christmas decorating challenge; the kitchen!

My messy living room!  So much left to do!

 

This little Elf was mine when I was a little girl.  He is a little "beat up" from his many years of Christmas times and travels from house to house, but he still brings a smile to my face when I see him!

My daughter turned 20 the other day. 

Sigh....  How can it be?  Wasn't she just running around the house in pig tails, dressing the cat up as a baby and singing about mermaids and princes?  I miss having her with me in the day to day activities of life.  Chatting as we folded laundry or did the dishes, running to Starbucks in our jammies for a coffee fix on Saturday mornings.  I remember telling her every year on her birthday that that had to be the last year each time, she wasn't allowed to get any older, she could not grow up...but somehow, time wouldn't let her stop and now she is a young woman, married and thinking about having a family of her own someday.  Although I miss my little girl, I have to say I truly enjoy the friend she has become..she comforts me when I am sad, she laughs with me, cries with me, encourages me and prays for me.  No matter how old she gets though, or how mature she becomes, she will always be my little girl.

I have decided to go ahead and start putting out Christmas decorations this weekend....it will be November and then I can justify it.  HAHA  All this early snow and shopping in stores that are playing Christmas tunes and displaying adorable snowmen has gotten to me and I just can't wait any longer!

Okotoks

Today Amber, little Emma, Juddson, Michelle and I headed over to Okotoks to spend the day NIC NAC shopping.  We visited one of our favorite little shops called "All through the house"...the owner had some really cute Christmas things!!!  The store also sells antiques, candy, ice cream and books.  I found two more cranberry wooden blocks used as decorations in door frames from an old farm house...I already have two so four is even better!!  It was nice to get out and just be with the girls, oh and ummm, Juddsonn too!

 Today was one of those days.....you know the ones are that full of silly little things that remind you "Your only human."  It started out pretty good...got ready, took Ben to school, but then came grocery shopping time.  Mind you, I never have liked "going to market"...but anyway, I made my list and away I went.  When I got to the grocery store I soon realized I lost my list.  Strike #1.  I decided I would just get things that I know we really needed, shampoo, laundry soap, toilet paper...etc.  Then I made my way around the store getting ingrediants for tonights supper...when all was done I wheeled my way to the check out..as I was lifting laundry soap onto the conveyor belt, it slipped from my hand and smacked lid first on the floor, and of course the top craked and blue syrupy liquid came oozing out all over the place.  Strike #2  When I got home I decided to just forget those 2 strikes and continue on with my day.  I started dinner which is spaghetti and meat sauce with garlic toast.  MMMM, I love garlic toast.  So, I start gathering the items I need for the toast and when I open the lid off of the minced garlic I notice it looks kinda funny, probably because its minced GINGER and not garlic.  Strike #3 and I am out.  I think I will just get in my pajamas and call it a day!

 Mountains remind me of times in our lifes when we thought we could never overcome the hard things; and then God made a way and braught us to the summit so we could see all the beauty we had missed during the climb.

Calvin makes me smile.  This past Sunday he took me for a drive out in Kananaskis Country and we took a walk around this dry river bed.  I love spending time with him enjoying the simple pleasures of life. 

Snow Day

Today it snowed, not just regular snow, but BIG white fluffy flakes that made you want to break out in some festive winter song!  I had a hot cup of coffee and just sat on the couch watching it all come down and felt all warm and happy inside.  I love the start of winter, the excitement that follows, knowing that soon Christmas will be here and all the wonders that go with it.  In a previous post I mentioned how I am longing to put out my Christmas decorations, and todays gift of snow just made it worse!!!

A candle always makes the house just a bit cozier....

Our garden, in retirement.  :)

This is Max, the neighbors cat.  He has found a way into our hearts and home and often naps as well as dines with us.

Ready! All Ready....

Today my friend Michelle and I paid a visit to our favorite country decorating store....and they have started putting out Christmas items, and well, now I have the urge to start digging into my Christmas boxes! It is only October, so I don't think I can justify snowmen and red berries when Halloween hasn't even passed yet!!!  There is just something incredibly homey about Christmas decorations....the smell of holiday candles...the burst of red and green colors...red and white candy canes and shining, twinkling lights.

For now though I must be paitent and content with the colors of Fall...which really aren't bad at all now that I think about it....unless you compare them with the colors of Christmas, and then, well then, they just won't do.

Kids and other things

Joe and Amanda treated me to a get away week in Houston.  I cannot believe how fast it went!  Of all the things we did, places we ate, gifts given to me, the thing I think I enjoyed the most was just being with the people I love.  Joe has grown up so much and is becoming a fine young man.  Amanda is a caring young Mom and a good wife to her husband, and she is so content with her life.  As a Mom, it makes your heart happy to know your kids are doing well. 

Out on the town with friends..

I am enjoying my time in Houston.  The days are flying by and I cannot believe I will be coming home in 3 days!  Each day we do different things and recently Amanda, Elise and I met with some friends for dinner at a Mexican restaurant called Los Cucos.  Sherrie Lindsey and her family are home from St. Lucia for a bit as her daughter Kayla is getting married, so we were able to spend some time together.  My friend Rosemary and her daughter Alicia met with us too.  We had such a good time talking and catching up and laughing about the memories we have made together!  I forgot how good the Mexican food is here.....I ordered a beef fajita meet stuffed avocado that is breaded and then deep fried...piled on the plate are refried beans, pico di gallo and rice. MMMM MMMM  Last night Daniel, Amanda, some of thier friends, Joe & Jessica and I went out to a Bubble Tea House here in Houston.  I've never had Bubble Tea before and I have to say it was really good.  Then we went to this Memorial that is like a Pyramid and we climbed around on that and sat around talking till the mosquitos drove us away!!!  This afternoon we will be attending Kayla's wedding and then I think most likely we will just relax.  Church tomorrow! Then a trip to Galveston and before you know it, it will be Monday and I will be on my way home.

Samples

Houston

Amanda and Joe flew me into Hoston for a visit.  The flight in was enough to rattle my nerves for more than a few hours!!  We hit some crazy airpockets and turbulence and then bad weather as we got closer to Houston...the plane had to circle around for 15 minutes while we waited for clearance to land.  I almost cried, but I kept it together!  I hate flying.  Seeing Joe again was so wonderful, and I couldn't help it, I did cry then!  In true Houston fashion it was raining, hot and muggy.  Tuesday Joe and Amanda took me to the Mall...I wanted a makeup consultation at Clinique...the lady there was really friendly and helpful and I enjoyed the pampering.  As I was making my selections as to what I wanted to buy and how much things were, Joe came up and told the lady that she should get everything that she used and bag it up and he was paying for it ALL!!!!  Amanda whisked me off to look for clothes and that was that.  And yes, then I cried again.  Not because Joe paid for my makeup, but because he said it was time to spoil me and take care of me because of all the things I did for him when he was growing up.  Then later Tuesday night my grand daughter treated me to a manicure....she got out her nail polish and painted my nails with this sparkly polish with stars....it was sweet.  I am having a really great time so far....

More later!

Pink

At our church we have a group of young ladies we are trying to be a blessing to.  Teaching them how to have a walk with the Lord and how to make friendships in the Lord that will last a lifetime.  Michelle and I have been friends for almost 20 years and we met in church.  We have one very important thing in common and that is our love of the Lord.  On occasion we have fun "challenges" for the girls and last night was to wear something PINK to church.  As you can see, our girls look pretty in pink.

My Mother

Today is my Mother's Birthday.

There are so many things I wish I could give her...

I want to give her a money tree, so she wouldn't have to work ever again.  She could hop on a plane and go where ever she wanted, see friends and family and just  be a lady of leisure.  Knowing Mom she would use plenty of the money for others....because that is just how Mom is.

I would love to give her a cure of Cancer.  I would love to be able to know that she didn't have to go through Chemo ever again.  That she wouldn't be sick, or tired, or wonder what was going to happen next.

But...I am not capable of giving her those kinds of gifts.

What I can do, is PRAY with ALL my HEART that God will comfort her, heal her, and carry her in HIS arms as she takes each step in the days to come.

I can give her my love.  Today and Tomorrow and for ALWAYS.

I LOVE YOU MOM.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Country Driving Lessons

 Today Ben and I went out into the country so I could start teaching him how to drive.  When Amanda and Joe were the same age we did the same thing.  It is Fall and the leaves are all turning and the fields are this wonderful shade of something between gold and tan.  Makes me think about how life is always changing....how much has happened over the many "Falls" in my lifetime. Anyway, before I get too poetic, let me tell you about our day.  Ben did a pretty good job of keeping the car on the road, haha....since we were out in the country, there wasn't a centerline to help guide him.  I focused on explaining how to slow down as you come to a stop sign, how to signal when you are going to turn, and how to go gently into a curve.  We came across several bikers that he had to carefully pass, and one was on a hill, which made me hold my breath just a bit!  (yikes)  We stopped a few times to take in the views.  I think there is no better place to learn how to drive than in the country.